Monday, December 14, 2009

Train ride to the north pole!

We had a blast celebrting the magic of christmas this year. We started a new Kangas Family tradition, the Polar Express Train Ride. It was amazing to see the magic come to life before my childrens eyes. Can't wait to go next year and take the whole family!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Let it snow!!!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas and if the weather is anything like it has been this morning I just might get my wish!!! What a great way to spend our 1st holiday season in our house...with snow all around!! It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas and I am oh so excited!!!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Chritmas Lights with a Disney themed twist!

I love t make new traditions with my family. Each year since my son was born I have tried to instill a sense of family and "home" in him; and now with my daughter as well. No matter if we are 100's miles from home on vacation or nestled by our fire drinking hot cocoa this is important to me, and will be one day to my children too. We love to wonder around at night this time of year finding the best neighborhoods with the most Christmas lights. This year is especially fun. My son is 3 and in full comprehension of the world around him. We visit the "Disney" land of Christmas lights right here in Rocklin off of Pebble creek Road. We had a great time with the kids, as cold as it was, walking the streets looking at the lights. I can't wait to see my children's reactions of Christmas morning when we wake up and Santa has come!!! My son is so excited that Santa is coming down his chimney! We saw Santa at the mall and we also saw him on our Polar Express Train Ride! He believes and it is so magical to watch!!! I can't wait until next year when my daughter is old enough to believe too!!!

This is a picture of my son in front of one of the many decorated Disney themed houses.

Friday, November 27, 2009

blackin' out on black friday...

I am so beyond tired. I can barely see straight. In fact I am typing this very blog to stay awake! Not only did I successfully cook Thanksgiving Dinner for over 10 hours yesterday (ever bite made it so worth it) but I went shopping-for 9 hours-in the middle of the night. Crazy? Yeah I think so too! Well not really considering the money I saved. My friend and I ventured to Toys r Us at 10pm. They did not open their doors until 12. We waited...and waited some more. In the freezing cold. Then after making it out of there alive we headed to Walmart at 2am. Their sales started at 5am. Luckily we were able to hang around the store for the 3 hours of waiting vs. waiting in the freezing cold! We were able to get everything we went for...almost and what we didn't get was so minuscule that it won't be missed. I am so happy that I went. No matter how tired I am. My kids will have a great Christmas. The way I look at it in the long run? In 5 hours I basically "made" about $500. That is about what I saved! I try to look at situations with the glass half full...

My husband was getting ready for work when I finally stumbled in about 7:15am. Of course my little ones were already up (they like to wake up before the sun comes up.) I have not slept in almost 36 hours. I am so beat. My eyes won't stop watering! Either way I am thankful for the nice people shopping tonight. Everyone was friendly and helpful. Thank goodness because a girl had her BABY in Walmart at 3:30am. Brand new baby too. I guess it takes all kinds...I would never take my kids into the madness of black Friday. I don't think it's safe for me-let alone my precious kids!
This is a picture of me and Britt about 1 hour into the night waiting in line at toys r us. If we only knew just how long our night was gonna be.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cody and carters baptism

New Church Berkeley was a little piece of heaven on earth! What a beautiful place. Sunday, November 22, 2009 was the baptism of Cody and Carter. I was so excited to take some pictures of them with their parents at the church. I can't wait to go back and shoot more pictures there once I get my camera! The structure is so historic but the church seems so modern! The mission of the church as well as their history is pretty intriguing. Can't wait to visit there again.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Seeing Stars...

I have been so busy the last few days. I had the most amazing time at the PPSV meeting. Unfortunately Mariea was sick so I was headed into the great unknown all alone! But little did I now it would turn out so well. I met two wonderful women, Deandra and Wendy. We even decided to get together for coffee and a little photog session sometime soon. ( and I am super excited.

So, I decided to dress up. I wasn't sure if it was a jeans and t-shirt type deal. But, I figured it would be better to be over dressed (to impress!) rather than under dressed. I hate making a bad first impression! Jasmine had so many helpful things to talk about.I could go on and on about how much of an impact what she had to say had on me. I felt like I could do anything after I left that room. She is inspiring and it is nice to know of someone else who shares the same immense passion for photography AND people. She mostly spoke on marketing and branding yourself. She is a truly unique women with a wonderful heart. She was so kind and funny. She kept us all laughing. She was so well spoken. Not one word was fumbled or stumbled upon. She talked about the most interesting things, I wish the night had lasted several more hours...I would have loved to hear what else she had to say.

The next day I tried to log unto my computer and my modem was out! So for over 1 whole week I have been without the web! Wow! You never realize how much time you spend on the computer, or how much you can depend on it until it is gone! Thankfully I am back online again. After the rush of Thanksgiving (I am cooking my very 1st turkey at home!) I will be blogging on a regular basis again. I am just so busy I can't see straight! Meeting someone who I respect so much as a professional was surreal. It still is. I can't believe that is me in that picture next to J*. When times get rough during this adventure of starting my business I will remember meeting her. All it took was me putting myself out there. No one is going to come and get me I gotta do it myself it I want to be successful!

I think it is appropriate this week being thanksgiving and all to say this year I am thankful for passion. Not just behind the camera but for the passion of living the life I feel is met for me. For which without I wouldn't have a reason to be behind that lens in the 1st place. I am also thankful for those that understand where I am coming from and share my same thoughts. Moral support in this is huge and meeting J* well lets just say I was...SEEING STARS...

Monday, November 16, 2009

destiny and success!

Natural ability without education has more often raised a man to glory and virtue than education without natural ability.

Marcus T. Cicero
c. 106-43 BC, Great Roman Orator, Politician

I was destined to to this. I will succeed.

This is a random picture I took of a wall in Reno.

Like I say in a lot of my posts: I can't wait to get my new camera! Once I have professional equipment I will be able to "rock it out." in the words of Jasmine Star...FYI:can't wait to see her speak at the ppsv meeting at the Dante Club in Sac on Wednesday night!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Ready, Set, GO!

Alright! I am smiles from ear to ear. What a great day. I have a sense of hope. My goal doesn't feel so out of reach! After finding out that Jasmine Star ( was going to be at the PPSV meeting (professional photographers of Sacramento Valley) I didn't think much of it. I didn't even consider it. Well I did for about 2 seconds, and quickly diminished the thought not realizing that THIS is how is all begins.

Then my wedding photog, Mariea ( something about it via facebook. Excited that we both knew of J* I commented that I hope she had a great time! Never did I expect the motivation of the next 5 words. I signed back on later that day and she had written me back. "Jenna, you should totally go." I stared at my screen. Me? I wasn't anywhere near a "pro" and she was nice enough to put that out there. That's all it took. My motivation kicked in high gear.

I logged onto the ppsv website. After some confusion (I thought I had to be a member by the time the meeting was in order and its next week. I didn't think time was on my side. So I panicked. I found every possible email I to the ppsv that I thought might be beneficial in getting me into the meeting. After writing to a few random people I got a response back. I was told to just show up and that was it! I was in! No trouble at all! Wow! Was I really doing this? I will have nothing to talk about. Sometimes its okay. I am going to be the sponge in the room...soaking in all the knowledge of my fellow photogs...can I call them that YET? :) My desire to do this makes me feel like one of them. They might have the know how to talk all day but if its passion they want to know of for this art I could write them a book...

I feel like I am where I want to be going! To be in the same room with J* and gonna be surreal! Two photogs whose work intrigues me. The icing on the cake? Mariea told me to get there early to sit with her. For once in my life I want something bad enough to go out and get it on my own. My hard work and ENDLESS hours of research are paying off. It feels liberating! Here goes nothing! ready Set GO

This is a picture of my son. I love the inspiration I get from my children; there isn't anything like it.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

apple pickin' good!

There is a place up highway 50 nestled in the woods that I would love to keep my little secret. Apple Hill is a special place to me. I am sure it is to many other people as well. Sure, the people of this area might be familiar with it. If you are in New York or North Dakota chances are you have no idea what I am talking about. But I will share this little piece of our precious planet with you. Imagine the feeling of family ties and togetherness. Picking apples can do just that! It is such a relaxing place. There are several different farms. Some have specialties. For instance Rainbow Orchards (#10) is known for the apple cider donuts. Denver Dan's Orchard down the way is known for "you pick 'em trees." It was important to me to bring some sort of a nature loving tradition into my children's' lives. I want them to be "green" and conscious of their environment. I want them to love the fresh outdoors and appreciate this earth. We are getting too close to the generation that is going to have to deal with the consequences of our careless actions. I want them to be the person you see that will take that extra second to pick up that piece of trash they see instead of walking over it. I guess apple hill brings me that much closer to them being "pure" and how we are ultimately suppose to be. I can't imagine that though...people actually taking the time to pick fruit-not from a WAXED infested pile in the grocery store that are last years refrigerated apples. MMMMM...those apples are so crisp and delicious makes my mouth water just thinking about the tart flavor of a pink lady apple...I think I am off to bake a to be exact :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

"Come as you are without any pretense"

There comes a time in life when important decisions have to be made. For Jasmine and Mike this one of those times. They are ready to have their boys baptized as well as honor my husband and I with the privilege to become the god-parents to their 2 boys. If the unfortunate circumstance ever arises in which we need to take over because they no longer are here to fulfil their duties as parents we are honored to be selected to raise our nephews.
Jasmine has also given me another special honor. She has asked me to take pictures of the event. I feel like I am finally being validated. People are recognizing my passion and supporting it. It is refreshing to have someone to talk to about my adventures with photography. Jas and I have always been the 2 behind the camera at family gatherings but she knows what this means to me. As my sister-in-law and one of my best friends' she is among a small group of people I have chosen to share this journey with so early on. For her to ask means she likes my work and that is a major confidence boost! When we spoke earlier on the phone she commented on a few specific photos she liked in particular. She thinks I am on the right path. The support of a friend who really understands me is wonderful. She gets it. She knows why it has taken me this long to figure out who I am suppose to be as a professional. True friends like her don't happen often. Friends that you can trust for constructive criticism and appreciate them for it.
Thank you Jas and Mike for picking us to be the Godparents to your children. We will always be here for them, no matter what. and Thank you for always believing in me, even when I am in slow motion :)

The title to my post is the motto for New Church Berkeley, where the baptism will be held. what a beautiful place. I can't wait to capture the historic and religious aspects as well as the happy feel of the day. What a wonderful place to celebrate such a great commitment!

I took this picture because this is the necklace that has represented my connection to god. I have had it for sometime and wear it during important spiritual times. Not to sure why...just do. I will wear it to the baptism for sure. Now...what outfit should I wear? :)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

An afternoon adventure with two very eager little ones...

Here are a few more photos from the other day when we had my son's friend Maleah over. I think this church would be amazing to shot wedding photos at. It has the train station right behind it. The building across the street is a photogs dream. I can't wait to go back with my professional camera!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Go get 'em...

Just send it. Why is this so hard to do? Is it the fact that this one email might be the start to the change of the rest of my life? I know that sound extreme but its true. What does it mean for me? It means that I am asking a professional to take their time and help ME. Would she find it flattering or would she find that I am utterly unprepared and be insulted for the wasted time. My wedding photographer, Mariea Rummel ( has been a major inspiration to me. I decided to write to her and ask her for some tips. I have thought about this time and time again. I decided a few weeks ago that I would wait it out- get better at photography, get some equipment and then contact her for advice. But, for some reason I decided to write to her yesterday. My hands were literally shaking. I don't think it has to do with her, she is the nicest person, but I think it has to do with the fact that once I hit SEND my feelings on this are out there. She could tell me to keep my day job...she could say she doesn't have the time. I didn't know if I was ready for any type of criticism...but that was a risk I was willing to take. I wrote her and told her of my passion for photography. I asked if we might be able to chat over coffee about sometime and talk photography :) I was so nervous. I sat staring at the email wondering if I really had the will to hit that button.

CLICK. I sent late now...My feelings were literally in her hands...Then I got nervous. What was I thinking bothering her? She wasn't a teacher! She doesn't want to train a potential future fellow competitor (which I hope she would never see me as, I recommend her to everyone I know that is getting married!)uhhh!!! What had I done. I had done what I wanted for so long!! I am getting out there!!!! Yeah!!!

Am I ready for this for real? the answer is YES! but would she feel that through the 2 paragraph email I was anticipating sending to her? I had thought about that email from time to time. What would I say to someone to make them understand just how much their guidance could help me. Just a little bit of time. Could that be too much to ask? I would return the favor as a professional in the years to come and would be honored if someone found my work to be so inspiring that they wanted me to help them learn my favorite craft. I love to talk about photography. I am assuming that goes without saying for most photogs...I would buy her a venti coffee and listen to her talk all day if she wanted to...I just want to listen to whatever she has to say about the art of becoming better at what I love. Which avenues to take? Which directions to turn? Does she realize how serious I am about this and how badly I want this...Not that I expect her to hand me a "magic key" like I said in an earlier post- the faith and hope I have of not failing IS MY MAGIC KEY and this is my first step towards getting myself out there! I don't know why I am so nervous to contact a photographer...I just want her to feel justified and proud of the photog she could help me become.

I must have checked my email 5 times last night. I went to bed early so I didn't receive her email until this morning! She already wrote me back! She said anytime after the holidays calm down we could totally do coffee...and she also does personal training courses! She told me to keep on photographing EVERYTHING until then. Oh, don't worry, I will be :)
I am so happy. Not because she is willing to help (although that is wonderful) but I ma so happy that she was genuinely nice about it. I think she understands my passion. She didn't make me feel that it wasn't okay that i don't have equipment, in fact she offered to help with decisions when I am ready... I am so happy!!! I am one step closer to becoming a better photographer!!!

In closing I would like to share the last thing Mariea said in her email "go get 'em"
I plan to do just that! Thanks Mariea for giving me even more inspiration to pick up my camera and do what I love!

I am adding a picture with my post of course! This is Maleah. She is the cutest little 2 year old! I watched her for my friend the other day. I had so much fun running around the old church with Maleah and my son. I took these adorable pictures of her in some of the cutest beaded shoes. (Don't worry Jas I put them up safe!)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Flu shots and ease of mind...

I took my children in for their flu vaccines. There is so much going around that I wish I would have done it a while ago! Luckily I carry around enough wet one's and hand sanitzer for a football team. I am the wierdo who wipes down the shopping carts and uses paper towel on bathroom door handles. (Don't get me started on the grossness of public facilites!) I am terrified of getting sick. We had to wait some for a while to be seen. Of course I had m camera in my purse so we ventured outside so see what kind of nice back drops I could find...I loved this waterfall. I am so glad I captured this. I love the scenery. You never realize the beauty this world has to offer until you stop and appreciate it.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Carving Pumpkins, making memories...

We had 9 pumpkins this year! 2 for each of us in our little family and one for good luck. Tyler, my son, just turned 3. He was very eager to help cut the "jack-o-latern" faces out of the pumpkins. A 3 year old with a sharp object?! Didn't sound too fun to me. Actually it sounded like a spell for disaster. It was late by the time we started so I put my daughter to bed. We had such a wonderful time carving our pumpkins. I helped Ty, he didn't like the "gross" mess (the guts and seeds) and I helped him trace and carve. What a great memory- we carved pumpkins and started a new family tradition ;) So exciting. I can't wait until next year. My daughter will be old enough to help!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

In my soul, though my veins and in my heart...this will work!

I want to be successful. Not just as a mother and a wife but in my career as well. School, as many of my family members will contest to is a major part of my life. But, unfortunately the only MAJOR in school I worked on the hardest was just Straight out of high school I wanted to do something fun, fresh and exciting! I had taken 3 years of culinary training in high school and really enjoyed it. I decided that was where I wanted to be. So, without any advisers or help I went and signed myself up for the hospitality management course at Mission College. I was thinking BIG. Like running a 5***** restaurant on a Cruise ship- how fun would traveling be. Boy was I wrong. The classes were very intimidating and had nothing to do with the exciting aspects but rather the financial and managerial sense (go figure hospitality MANAGEMENT!) I hated it. It was not for me!

So I was onto my next adventure. I like to do my hair and make up so I signed up for cosmetology school. The school was unprofessional in the most ridiculous ways possible. I was given the most disgusting set of toenails to paint my 1st day on the job. Lets just say she didn't need her toenails painted because they were already GREEN with FUNGUS!!! ehhh!!! I couldn't do it...I decided very quickly that the glitz and glamour I had seen in the movies was far from where I was at. So...then what was I to do? I took some Greek mythology classes for fun and finished up my math courses at Mission.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then my husbands' sister was going on leave at her job as a preschool teachers' assistant. I took over her position and feel in love with the job. I really enjoyed the rewards of teaching a child something. I started taking online courses through Vanguard University. I was never planning to go too far with that. I need 12 units to have a class of my own. That was my goal. Then, the school I worked at transitioned owners. The atmosphere changed because no one was happy. Other teachers left. New staff came in. It was no longer somewhere I looked forward to going but rather a delimma each day as to whether I continue or stand up for how I felt. It was no longer about the kids to the new owners but about the "business" of it all and I didn't believe in that. So I quit.

Where to go from here? I needed to do SOMETHING. I wanted to make a life change. I made a decision. We moved to Rocklin. My grandmother talked up Heald like it was the next best thing to Harvard! I went in and was signed up for Accounting within 2 months of living out here. I enjoyed dressing professional and I was good at what I was learning. Then I found out I was pregnant. My thought on life changed. I was not longer planning for me but for a family. Was being a CPA what I really wanted? I did not know. That is my problem. I have never been given the time to decide without someone else's opinion fogging my decision. When I did have the option to decide I was impulsive about it and went with what sounded good at the time. I made it 3/4 the way though my courses at Heald before deciding it wasn't the route I wanted to take in life.

After Ty was born I sat down and re-evaluated where I wanted to be. I had been told the medical field was a perfect field for me. So- I looked into nursing. I went to Western and they have a program that takes you all the way through an RN! Sounded great. So I signed up for the 1st step in the process-medical assisting. I was doing great! Ty was in daycare and I even managed to have perfect attendance. Unfortunately I miscarried around this time and I was put on a L.O.A. and not given permission to return to school for 1 week. There went my perfect attendance, grades, and my baby...I was devastated. I didn't want to go back. Especially since I started to break down my last day there and had to be taken to the ER. But I went back. I wanted to finish SOMETHING. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in January 2008. I was almost done with school. My externship was scheduled for March. It was February and I was sick. Very sick. The pregnancy was making me unable to eat. After days of no food I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital with severe dehydration and Hyperemesis Gravidarum (fancy wording for severe morning sickness). So once again I was put on a LOA. It wasn't until August that I was able to complete my externship. But I still walked with my class in June. I did it. I finished something! I didn't receive my certificate until July 2009 because there were money issues (that school is SOMETHING else!)but at least I am done with that part of it.

But, being a medical assistant at $8-10 isn't where I planned to stop when I started all of this. I would never have even bothered. I find that line of work unrewarding. Having 2 children to put in daycare while I attend school is very expensive. School is a full time job in itself. So I have found myself at a stand still, as a stay at home mom. I love my kids; but my prime working years of gaining experience and connections and success are dwindling away. I don't want to start my career when I am 35. I want to be successful by then. I am done doing what everyone thinks is the right road for "me". And that is how it happened...that is how I got to where I am today...letting everyone else live their dreams through me!!!

I am ready to take a leap of faith. I am ready to do what I love. The right way. Not the half way, to get it done way. I want to learn this craft inside and out and be outstanding at what I love. I want to captivate and move people. I want the passion I feel towards it to be visable through my work. This is the 1st thing I have wanted to do as a slow process so I can be sure not to fail. Slowly learning on my own and taking workshops. Networking and taking that risk. I feel it. Photography is in my heart and soul. It is in everything I do. Everywhere I go. Everything I see. I see it though the lenses of my camera. Which, at this point is no more professional than the one sitting on your own desk. But that too, will take time. I am no where near where I hope to be in 5 years. I know I need time. I need faith. I need encouragement. I need clients! I need equipment! I need more confidence! I need to not let the negativity of the opinions of others on my many career choices influence me! I can do this. I will do this. I am slowly learning about lightning and shadows. I am learning about the best times of day to take a picture-and from what angel. I am learning about lightroom and elements (photoshop cs4 still just a dream at this point). Layering, masking, burning, lasso-ing, RGB... I am learning about starting a website and getting my own domain name and server space. I started my blog :) (THANKS FOR VISITING!)and I am going to be signing up for workshops in San Francisco. I am going to attend my 1st photography conference. The passion I feel isn't dwindling but getting that much more intense. I find myself driving down the freeway looking at objects figuring out the best way to have photographed the situation. Or when we plan our day I enjoy planning it around somewhere I can photograph. I am like a little girl on her birthday eagerly awaiting the second I return home so I can upload the photos on my computer and manipulate this and that until the photo is even more MINE. I am trying to figure it all out. I am contemplating contacting other photographers. I want to hear their stories and be told where to go. I want to know of their experiences as they started out, as an inspiration to where I am going. But, I don't want them to feel as if I am asking for that magic key to success.I have already found it...a will to succeed. I don't see failure in this and that is how I know it is right!

This picture I am posting with this entry was a picture I asked my husband to take. I wanted a picture of myself for my blog. I had fun editing it!

Outta State...Outta mind...

Be spontaneous. Like you use to be, I told him. Hoping it might spark that sense of adventure I know he still harbors deep down. The kind of adventure that creates the memories we cherish most. It was already 11am when I decided I wanted to go somewhere. Somewhere far, somewhere we could go that would keep us out all day and away from any and all we know. This is a hard time of year for me and as the date approaches I feel myself holding onto each hour as if it again were her last. I found I was torturing myself with the "this was happening right now a year ago" and experiencing her death all over again. Time is passing but my undying wish to still have her here is not. Time. The one thing I long for the most...more time...with her... I find myself running in any direction...and today was one of those days. I wanted to go. Far. Anywhere. Well anywhere that I could shoot some photos. My new hobby has lead me to so many beautiful places.

The drive was stomach turning as I felt we were going to go over a cliff at any second. Something about a 7,000 ft. elevation...kinda got me thinking. But the conversations my husband and I had were nice. We talked about our favorite things about California and what makes it unique. I talked about what I have to do to get better at photography. We listened to music and took time to enjoy the ride quietly. I didn't realize how nice that part of our trip would be. There wasn't much for us in Reno. I have to admit I am not sure why they call it the "biggest little city in the world." Unless you like the smell of cigarette smoke and cackling old ladies or drunk, obnoxious 21 year olds...not our scene...especially with 2 kids. We knew this before we went. But-now we have been out of state together and I was able to be outta state...outta mind...I needed that. It was refreshing.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Lattes, Motherhood, and Devotion...

She ordered a "Venti, soy latte." As I stood there trying to quiet my 2 children, feeling out of place and wondering if people thought I was a babysitter that was on her first outing with the first kids she'd ever sat for in her life because I looked that unorganized. The stroller-which was mearly at this point being used to push around the arsenal of toys Ty had insisted we bring into the coffee shop was of course locking up and the only cash I had was buried at the bottom of the stroller. At this point do I just walk out now that everyone in here has noticed me? No- I need that coffee! I need to seem like I have taken control of the situation. Not to mention the fact that my 3 year old would start WW3 if we were to leave without cocoa! (Another issue we are working on...temper!)- I get up to the counter, after struggling with my daughter in arms as I bend over and try to maneuver my hand through my smashed purse to find that $5. "PLEASE" I keep thinking. Just find it so you can get Ty to stop running around and so you can stand up and so it LOOKS like you aren't a fool!" I think about had we never gone in there maybe all the customers WOULD have returned! I finally feel the resemblance to money touch my fingertips and I feel myself start to get hot! I don't even want a hot coffee anymore- just the anxiety of the chaos has me awake and I definitely wasn't cold anymore. I was hot...embarrassed hot. Was a cup of coffee really that important? As we waited I felt a calmness-that's over. She was happy in my arms and Ty was sitting down talking about "it's too hot for me cocoa." As my name was called I suddenly realized it was about to start all over when I had to put her in the stroller so I could handle the hot coffee. She screamed. Her infamous high-pitched-everybody look at me- screams. The kind that makes you say whose kid was that? Yes that is my shining star! As I apologized and thanked them for my coffee at the same time I found myself relieved for everyone in the cafe- the lady with her loud kids was leaving. As we walked to the door I looked over and there she was again- she was enthralled with her computer, on her ear piece and drinking her latte. Her hair was done up and she had on some of the cutest shoes I had ever seen. She looked like she was too busy to have even heard my children scream let alone be bothered by it. She looked up and half way smirked at me, almost like she felt sorry for me naive girl with the 2 kids. As I fumbled with the door, she went back to her busy life of being important (or at least looking that way) in whatever she was doing. And I....I was coming home, to clean-make a bottle- and change a diaper...

From time to time I wonder what life would be like as a "business woman" or a "career traveler." To order that fancy named coffee not because you wanted to impress the people around you but because you had that many Starbucks mornings that trial and error no longer obtain to you." I feel I must stop myself before I continue and tell you that I wouldn't change my life as a mother-ever. I love to be a mom. I love having a family and taking care of them. What I am saying is I wonder what life would have been like to "struggle" without them-before them and to have been successful in a career before they were born. I wonder this of course I also think that my children are my drive- I want success because I want to succeed for them. Motherhood creates a drive in me all on its own.

Being a mom makes me wonder how my mom could have ever left. Before I had kids I was just angry at her. Now- even though we have had more communication in the last 3 years than in the past I feel even more distant than ever. I hold so much animosity and resentment towards the mother she is and the mother she is chalking herself up to be. Becoming a parent made me realize so much about my own mother. She told me she left for my own good. But after 24 years and from a mother’s point of view I have stood over my own daughters bed at night and listened to her breathe in her every breath. From the faint light through the crack in her door I can make out the rosiness of her cheeks and the way her long eye lashes flutter as her eyes flicker as she dreams. I am here for that- each and every night as she lies asleep in her bed. And when she wakes up it is to me- each and everyday- I am here- I am her constant feeling of comfort and love. I am her security. I could never take that from my daughter- or my son. Being a parent isn't about being to me-it's about experiencing life, because I never experienced anything like this before they came along. As a parent it is our privilege to walk our children down this road of life and teach them the right direction to turn and which ways to go. You should never give up on "being" a parent because your children don't play into the way you've mapped you're life out. ...and I guess that is where my mother and I differ a bit. I am strong-for me and for my children- and I guess I can say she taught me one thing though it was through many let downs and lonely times -the undying devotion to never leave my children's' side. And for that Jamie I thank you.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Happy to be home...

When we were looking for a house I was picky about the neighborhood we would live in. I wanted somewhere safe for the kids to play outside. I was mainly concerned with the area close to our house, and the schools. The house itself was secondary to all that. (even though I love our house!). Little did I know we would spend a lot of our time out and about around the neighborhood. We are within walking distance to the local library, train station, old church, pet store, parks, and the cutest Ma and Pa restaurant called the Grill. I really enjoy living in a small town. I like it in Rocklin because we have the brand new areas like the Fountains where Boudin's and Whole foods. Among other things are the Galleria Mall that makes me feel like I am not in the middle of nowhere. But, we still have that small town charm. I love the architecture and the landscaping here. I like how well maintained our town is. When we moved here I couldn't wait to get back to the bay area! But now, even though I love to go visit family there, I sure do love to come home-here to Rocklin. To me this IS home now. I feel safe here, my kids are safe. That is what the most important thing to me is- their safety and how they are raised. I think Rocklin is the perfect place to raise our family.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Who took that picture?

So, I have decided to take the next step...I am starting a blog! Here it is, me, my family, my pictures, and my stories and while I can't promise the most amazing photography you have ever seen I am trying and one day hope to turn my hobby into something day...I enjoy my everyday with my children and as a way to always remember the times I started to take pictures. Now, I feel it is turning into a really fun hobby and I am enjoying making plans around where we can go to take pictures. One day I will have that pro camera :) Someone wrote me one my facebook and asked "who took that pic"... she later told me she thought a pro did it...what a great feeling and one day maybe I will be just that...a pro :) I know I know...from cosmetology to teaching to accounting to nursing to photography...but I am still on the long and winding road to becoming a nurse. But hopefully I can do what I love on the side...only time will tell. I can do anything I put my mind to- no matter what anyone says!