Tuesday, October 27, 2009

In my soul, though my veins and in my heart...this will work!

I want to be successful. Not just as a mother and a wife but in my career as well. School, as many of my family members will contest to is a major part of my life. But, unfortunately the only MAJOR in school I worked on the hardest was just that...school. Straight out of high school I wanted to do something fun, fresh and exciting! I had taken 3 years of culinary training in high school and really enjoyed it. I decided that was where I wanted to be. So, without any advisers or help I went and signed myself up for the hospitality management course at Mission College. I was thinking BIG. Like running a 5***** restaurant on a Cruise ship- how fun would traveling be. Boy was I wrong. The classes were very intimidating and had nothing to do with the exciting aspects but rather the financial and managerial sense (go figure hospitality MANAGEMENT!) I hated it. It was not for me!

So I was onto my next adventure. I like to do my hair and make up so I signed up for cosmetology school. The school was unprofessional in the most ridiculous ways possible. I was given the most disgusting set of toenails to paint my 1st day on the job. Lets just say she didn't need her toenails painted because they were already GREEN with FUNGUS!!! ehhh!!! I couldn't do it...I decided very quickly that the glitz and glamour I had seen in the movies was far from where I was at. So...then what was I to do? I took some Greek mythology classes for fun and finished up my math courses at Mission.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then my husbands' sister was going on leave at her job as a preschool teachers' assistant. I took over her position and feel in love with the job. I really enjoyed the rewards of teaching a child something. I started taking online courses through Vanguard University. I was never planning to go too far with that. I need 12 units to have a class of my own. That was my goal. Then, the school I worked at transitioned owners. The atmosphere changed because no one was happy. Other teachers left. New staff came in. It was no longer somewhere I looked forward to going but rather a delimma each day as to whether I continue or stand up for how I felt. It was no longer about the kids to the new owners but about the "business" of it all and I didn't believe in that. So I quit.

Where to go from here? I needed to do SOMETHING. I wanted to make a life change. I made a decision. We moved to Rocklin. My grandmother talked up Heald like it was the next best thing to Harvard! I went in and was signed up for Accounting within 2 months of living out here. I enjoyed dressing professional and I was good at what I was learning. Then I found out I was pregnant. My thought on life changed. I was not longer planning for me but for a family. Was being a CPA what I really wanted? I did not know. That is my problem. I have never been given the time to decide without someone else's opinion fogging my decision. When I did have the option to decide I was impulsive about it and went with what sounded good at the time. I made it 3/4 the way though my courses at Heald before deciding it wasn't the route I wanted to take in life.

After Ty was born I sat down and re-evaluated where I wanted to be. I had been told the medical field was a perfect field for me. So- I looked into nursing. I went to Western and they have a program that takes you all the way through an RN! Sounded great. So I signed up for the 1st step in the process-medical assisting. I was doing great! Ty was in daycare and I even managed to have perfect attendance. Unfortunately I miscarried around this time and I was put on a L.O.A. and not given permission to return to school for 1 week. There went my perfect attendance, grades, and my baby...I was devastated. I didn't want to go back. Especially since I started to break down my last day there and had to be taken to the ER. But I went back. I wanted to finish SOMETHING. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in January 2008. I was almost done with school. My externship was scheduled for March. It was February and I was sick. Very sick. The pregnancy was making me unable to eat. After days of no food I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital with severe dehydration and Hyperemesis Gravidarum (fancy wording for severe morning sickness). So once again I was put on a LOA. It wasn't until August that I was able to complete my externship. But I still walked with my class in June. I did it. I finished something! I didn't receive my certificate until July 2009 because there were money issues (that school is SOMETHING else!)but at least I am done with that part of it.

But, being a medical assistant at $8-10 isn't where I planned to stop when I started all of this. I would never have even bothered. I find that line of work unrewarding. Having 2 children to put in daycare while I attend school is very expensive. School is a full time job in itself. So I have found myself at a stand still, as a stay at home mom. I love my kids; but my prime working years of gaining experience and connections and success are dwindling away. I don't want to start my career when I am 35. I want to be successful by then. I am done doing what everyone thinks is the right road for "me". And that is how it happened...that is how I got to where I am today...letting everyone else live their dreams through me!!!

I am ready to take a leap of faith. I am ready to do what I love. The right way. Not the half way, to get it done way. I want to learn this craft inside and out and be outstanding at what I love. I want to captivate and move people. I want the passion I feel towards it to be visable through my work. This is the 1st thing I have wanted to do as a slow process so I can be sure not to fail. Slowly learning on my own and taking workshops. Networking and taking that risk. I feel it. Photography is in my heart and soul. It is in everything I do. Everywhere I go. Everything I see. I see it though the lenses of my camera. Which, at this point is no more professional than the one sitting on your own desk. But that too, will take time. I am no where near where I hope to be in 5 years. I know I need time. I need faith. I need encouragement. I need clients! I need equipment! I need more confidence! I need to not let the negativity of the opinions of others on my many career choices influence me! I can do this. I will do this. I am slowly learning about lightning and shadows. I am learning about the best times of day to take a picture-and from what angel. I am learning about lightroom and elements (photoshop cs4 still just a dream at this point). Layering, masking, burning, lasso-ing, RGB... I am learning about starting a website and getting my own domain name and server space. I started my blog :) (THANKS FOR VISITING!)and I am going to be signing up for workshops in San Francisco. I am going to attend my 1st photography conference. The passion I feel isn't dwindling but getting that much more intense. I find myself driving down the freeway looking at objects figuring out the best way to have photographed the situation. Or when we plan our day I enjoy planning it around somewhere I can photograph. I am like a little girl on her birthday eagerly awaiting the second I return home so I can upload the photos on my computer and manipulate this and that until the photo is even more MINE. I am trying to figure it all out. I am contemplating contacting other photographers. I want to hear their stories and be told where to go. I want to know of their experiences as they started out, as an inspiration to where I am going. But, I don't want them to feel as if I am asking for that magic key to success.I have already found it...a will to succeed. I don't see failure in this and that is how I know it is right!

This picture I am posting with this entry was a picture I asked my husband to take. I wanted a picture of myself for my blog. I had fun editing it!

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