Sunday, October 25, 2009

Lattes, Motherhood, and Devotion...

She ordered a "Venti, soy latte." As I stood there trying to quiet my 2 children, feeling out of place and wondering if people thought I was a babysitter that was on her first outing with the first kids she'd ever sat for in her life because I looked that unorganized. The stroller-which was mearly at this point being used to push around the arsenal of toys Ty had insisted we bring into the coffee shop was of course locking up and the only cash I had was buried at the bottom of the stroller. At this point do I just walk out now that everyone in here has noticed me? No- I need that coffee! I need to seem like I have taken control of the situation. Not to mention the fact that my 3 year old would start WW3 if we were to leave without cocoa! (Another issue we are working on...temper!)- I get up to the counter, after struggling with my daughter in arms as I bend over and try to maneuver my hand through my smashed purse to find that $5. "PLEASE" I keep thinking. Just find it so you can get Ty to stop running around and so you can stand up and so it LOOKS like you aren't a fool!" I think about had we never gone in there maybe all the customers WOULD have returned! I finally feel the resemblance to money touch my fingertips and I feel myself start to get hot! I don't even want a hot coffee anymore- just the anxiety of the chaos has me awake and I definitely wasn't cold anymore. I was hot...embarrassed hot. Was a cup of coffee really that important? As we waited I felt a calmness-that's over. She was happy in my arms and Ty was sitting down talking about "it's too hot for me cocoa." As my name was called I suddenly realized it was about to start all over when I had to put her in the stroller so I could handle the hot coffee. She screamed. Her infamous high-pitched-everybody look at me- screams. The kind that makes you say whose kid was that? Yes that is my shining star! As I apologized and thanked them for my coffee at the same time I found myself relieved for everyone in the cafe- the lady with her loud kids was leaving. As we walked to the door I looked over and there she was again- she was enthralled with her computer, on her ear piece and drinking her latte. Her hair was done up and she had on some of the cutest shoes I had ever seen. She looked like she was too busy to have even heard my children scream let alone be bothered by it. She looked up and half way smirked at me, almost like she felt sorry for me naive girl with the 2 kids. As I fumbled with the door, she went back to her busy life of being important (or at least looking that way) in whatever she was doing. And I....I was coming home, to clean-make a bottle- and change a diaper...

From time to time I wonder what life would be like as a "business woman" or a "career traveler." To order that fancy named coffee not because you wanted to impress the people around you but because you had that many Starbucks mornings that trial and error no longer obtain to you." I feel I must stop myself before I continue and tell you that I wouldn't change my life as a mother-ever. I love to be a mom. I love having a family and taking care of them. What I am saying is I wonder what life would have been like to "struggle" without them-before them and to have been successful in a career before they were born. I wonder this of course I also think that my children are my drive- I want success because I want to succeed for them. Motherhood creates a drive in me all on its own.

Being a mom makes me wonder how my mom could have ever left. Before I had kids I was just angry at her. Now- even though we have had more communication in the last 3 years than in the past I feel even more distant than ever. I hold so much animosity and resentment towards the mother she is and the mother she is chalking herself up to be. Becoming a parent made me realize so much about my own mother. She told me she left for my own good. But after 24 years and from a mother’s point of view I have stood over my own daughters bed at night and listened to her breathe in her every breath. From the faint light through the crack in her door I can make out the rosiness of her cheeks and the way her long eye lashes flutter as her eyes flicker as she dreams. I am here for that- each and every night as she lies asleep in her bed. And when she wakes up it is to me- each and everyday- I am here- I am her constant feeling of comfort and love. I am her security. I could never take that from my daughter- or my son. Being a parent isn't about being to me-it's about experiencing life, because I never experienced anything like this before they came along. As a parent it is our privilege to walk our children down this road of life and teach them the right direction to turn and which ways to go. You should never give up on "being" a parent because your children don't play into the way you've mapped you're life out. ...and I guess that is where my mother and I differ a bit. I am strong-for me and for my children- and I guess I can say she taught me one thing though it was through many let downs and lonely times -the undying devotion to never leave my children's' side. And for that Jamie I thank you.

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