Wednesday, December 8, 2010

So much has changed

I like to spend my time focusing on blog posts that are about the positive aspects of my life. But, there are times that things change that many people don't see a positive side to. So, without sounding like a life is changing, in a big way. Ryan and I are divorcing. Its crazy to think my children will grow up with separated parents...but its happened...
When I was 18 and I met Ryan I never expected that 7 years down the line we would end up here. In October of 2006 we had our first child together, in Sept 2008 our second...and in July 2009 we committed our lives and promised to love each other and stay faithful to one-another in front of our friends and family. But we both broke that promise and will never go back to where we were. I believed in destiny. I believed in love at first sight. I believed that no matter how bad things were on the inside of our relationship I could make it appear to anyone I wanted that we were the perfect couple, because it was easy to do when I was the only one in the relationship anyways. I am hurt for so many reasons I am hurt because I married him for all the right and honest reasons. I married him for love...I married him for life...but when I heard those words...I haven't loved her for over a year and a half...I just don't want her to take my kids...don't tell anyone...and that's not even the start of the horrible things that were said in a private conversation that I was never intended to hear. My son heard it though...loud and clear...I didn't know what to do...I wasn't myself. So, yes I did do the unthinkable...I'll admit it. But, we broke up. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. So, I left. and I went out, and over a period of time I developed a relationship with someone else. I can't go back and change it, nor do I want to, because I am happy to finally be free of the emotional abuse I was subjected to on a daily basis. Trust me when I say that it makes it harder when I have done something to add to the situation so it feels like no one remembers why it happened to begin with. So, why and I throwing myself under the bus?? I just want people to know that I would have never done what I did if I knew there was a hope that the person that said they loved me was a lie and i wasted 7 years of my life. Its not in vain, I got the 2 best things in the world out of it, I just wish I would have experienced that with someone genuine, cause at the end of the day all I want it someone to unconditionally love me...and find the one who thinks I am worth coming after because he never did.

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